


Chuck grows up a little.

by gyufan2303



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chuck Lives, Chuck centric, F/M, a little romantic Chako, lots of Chuck feels, mako is the best, mostly Chuck recovering, some father/son Hansen stuff, you should all love chuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 03:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1729814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyufan2303/pseuds/gyufan2303
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck lives and tries to heal, learns that relationships are important and is (sort of) getting better at dealing with the voices in his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chuck grows up a little.

**Author's Note:**

> my first PacRim fic! exciting XD i have to many chuck feels to study so this is the result... unbeta'd so i apologise for any mistakes or OOCness and would appreciate constructive criticism!

Chuck knows people tend to think of him as a culmination of bad qualities; arrogant, abrasive, rude, insensitive, incorrigible – but he is _not_ heartless. You can’t sacrifice your entire life; dedicate every part of yourself relentlessly to saving humanity on anger and bravado alone. Chuck is compassionate, always has been. So he grimaces when Mako clutches his drive suit and cries into his chest, sobbing from the memories and emotions wreaking havoc in her head from their drift but he holds her, winding both arms around her trembling form, rubbing her back gently, pressing his mouth into her hair. He remembers the pain of losing one parent, still feels it like a crushing weight on his chest. He can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose three.

It’s two months after Operation Pitfall, two months after they cancelled the apocalypse and Pentecost made a spontaneous decision to push him into an escape pod right before Striker detonated; two months since he bobbed to the surface, baking inside the pod, too weak to scream from the pain, just conscious enough to curse the Marshall for making it so that he’d die in the middle of the ocean from a myriad of injuries instead of in Striker, facing down a kaiju with his co-pilot like he was supposed to. He faintly registered them breaking him out of the pod but wasn’t truly conscious until four days later. He woke up in the Shatterdome’s infirmary to his father’s sleeping form holding one hand and a stump where his right arm used to be. That shocked him so much it set his heart racing, immediately alerting the nurses and his father to his waking up. They stabilised him as efficiently as they could – he got a headache from trying to follow their movements so he just shut his eyes again, trying to form coherent thoughts.

Two months of physical and every other therapy, panic attacks, nightmares, enraging press conferences, learning how to use a prosthetic limb and just generally getting used to what felt like a perpetually broken body. The doctors didn’t sugar coat, they told him the radiation poisoning and battering he had suffered meant that he’d never be able to eat properly again or regain all of his physical capabilities and it was likely he had suffered brain damage that would cause memory loss in the future. He also had severe short sightedness and the contacts irritated but he refused to be caught wearing glasses. Thank god for Max, he would never have survived without his dog.

Two months before he fought with every official and J-tech in the Shatterdome, most vehemently with his father, to have the chance to Drift with Mako. Pentecost hadn’t asked but he’d read the request in their connection. _Please let her know how much I cared about her._ They were almost incompatible but by some miracle the neural handshake initiated and he showed her his memories of being in her father’s head, the pride and love Pentecost had felt for her and his regret that he wouldn’t get to see everything she’s going to become. There was thoughts of his own family, of Tamsin, of Hercules, all of them a mesh of love and regret and Mako accepted the flashes of all of it. He almost couldn’t handle reliving those last moments again, wanted to scream at them to acknowledge Choi’s screaming that he couldn’t handle the neural load, but Mako’s strength got them through. She’d always been stronger than him.

Now they’re here, him holding up Mako so she can let out all the anguish of the past two months – she’d resolutely refused to cry, helping Herc with securing funding for the continued future of the Shatterdome and handling the press as the new face of the PPDC. Raleigh helped as much as he could but he was so _tired_ , he stayed for a month before Mako forced him onto a plane to Alaska to do his own healing. He promised to be back as soon as he could. Chuck doesn’t look at Herc even though he can feel his gaze on him, feel the multitude of emotions his father’s feeling through the ghost drift – he isn’t strong enough to do this second time, Herc’s closure will have to wait.

“Thank you, Chuck,” Mako chokes out. He thinks she’s going to talk again but she just holds onto him tighter. It’s a few minutes before her shaking subsides and by then his dad, Choi (with Max), the scientists and the J-techs have left the room. He walks Mako back to her room, arm around her shoulder the whole way. The sparse remaining workers look at them with concern but Chuck doesn’t let them stop moving till they reach her room. They sit next to each other on her bed for a while, not touching or speaking till Mako breaks the silence.

“Thank you for doing that for me,” she says in that solemn way she has. “It was so painful for you. You honour Sensei with your strength. This has given me courage to hope that I can do the same.” She holds his gaze and he struggles not to be overwhelmed by the emotion there.

“I couldn’t not,” he murmurs, hoping that she’ll understand. He couldn’t not when Pentecost gave him his life, partially so that he could take care of her, he couldn’t not when he understood her loss better than anyone, he couldn’t not because he knows she would’ve done the same for him, he couldn’t not because he can still feel Pentecost in his head and it feels so _wrong_ that he left his co-pilot behind so maybe this will lessen the guilt a little bit. She gives him a small smile so he thinks she gets it.

They sleep holding each other. Being alone isn’t an option.

 

 

His relationship with his father has changed. Before there was love, resentment, grudging respect and loyalty. Now there’s even more respect and a little less resentment. Herc is trying, trying so hard to reach out to him and talk to him in a way they haven’t since before his mother was killed, so he tries as well. It’s mostly Max that they bond through at first, walking him and playing with him while talking – the dog brings out the family in them. Sometimes he remembers the abandonment he felt when his father was piloting Lucky Seven or the anger at all the disappointment he felt through the Drift and he shuts Herc out, wanting to hurt him like he was hurt but he can never keep it up for long. He wants a father. He wants the father he never got to really experience and he misses the connection of the Drift like a physical ache and he needs some kind of relationship with Herc so that his loneliness doesn’t suffocate him so if he can’t have the co-pilot relationship, he’s prepared to try being father and son.

Herc helps him adjust to his crippled body, encouraging him through all the therapy and taking his tantrums and fits of rage and panic attacks in stride. Herc’s busy most of the time with his duties as Marshall but they make it work. They watch senseless action movies together and talk about Angela and Stacker – it’s a novelty for Chuck to have to connect with his father for themselves rather than the rest of the world, one he never thought he’d get and is more grateful for every day. It’s a slow, painstaking process, they’re both too scarred for it to be otherwise but Chuck’s finally starting to believe it when Herc says he loves him.

 

 

He calls Beckett a few days after drifting with Mako. No one else can relate.

“Hello? This is Raleigh Beckett.”

“I get why you ran.”

“… Chuck? Is that you?”

“You were my hero and you fucking left.”

“Look, Chuck – ”  

“When I saw you in Hong Kong, it wasn’t about that, it was about… look mate, I’d Drifted so I _knew_ you’d be a fucking mess and you’d never be able to let anyone inside your head. Wasn’t being fucking arrogant, I was thinking straight. Some part of me was still angry that you ran, though.”

He hears Raleigh sigh on the other end. “Does this have something to do with you Drifting with Mako?”

He can’t answer for a few seconds.

“Chuck, are you –”

“Sometimes I can still feel him in my head.”

“It’s… not going to go away any time soon, Chuck. I still feel Yancy sometimes.”

“I should’ve fucking died with him!” He yells. “I was ready for it, I fucking _wanted_ it –”

“Chuck, listen to me. You drifted with someone barely two months after you lost a co-pilot for a friend and now Mako can still get up and face the world every day because of what you gave her. You deserve to live, even just for that.”

(Chuck disagrees, Mako would’ve made it, but he appreciates the sentiment.)

“Didn’t call for a pep talk, oi,” he says instead. “Just wanted to … say I’m sorry. Shouldn’t’ve been that hard on you.”

“Thank you.” He can picture Raleigh’s wry grin.

“You fucker, don’t let it go to your head.”

Raleigh chuckles but his tone is dead serious when he asks “What are you going to do about Mako’s feelings for you?” Somehow it sounds less like a question and more like a threat. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say.

“Fuck, Ray, it’s _Mako._ How do I –”

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t want her like… _that_ but she needs a friend and only you can give that to her.”

“…Yeah, ok, I can do that.”

“But if you break her heart I _will_ kill you.”

He wants to snarl that Raleigh’s the one that left her but he’s too raw to be an asshole at this moment.

“I know.”

“Take care of yourself Chuck. You look like shit on the news.”

“Fuck off, _Rah_ leigh.”

 

 

Chuck knows how the rest of the world sees him. He knows that they see a young, arrogant, cocky, insufferable, angry adolescent that shouldn’t be anywhere near the cockpit of a giant robot. Hell, he _built_ this persona for a multitude of reasons; anyone with common sense would be able to guess them. He realises, now, that maybe he doesn’t have to be so much of an asshole anymore. He doesn’t have to give the medics and therapists a hard time just because he can, doesn’t have to cuss at the reporters like a child when they ask inappropriate questions, doesn’t have to yell at people for the hell of it, for the sake of being this unappealing person. But there’s still too much anger in him, he has to let it erupt out of him or it’ll corrode away at him from the inside. And he needs this unpleasant part of him to be his armour because he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to accept how weak his body is right now. His life’s been practically broadcasted to the world since he piloted a Jaegar at fifteen (the UN had a good time milking the child soldier bullshit) so everyone knows how much he’s sacrificed, how many people he’s saved – he hopes they will forgive him for being weak for a while. He’s a perpetual soldier but an undoubtedly damaged one.

 

It was a shock seeing himself through Mako’s eyes when they drifted. He always thought she was respectful but contemptuous towards him like he was towards her. Instead it seems like she admired – admires – him, cares for him, thinks he’s attractive (even when he was gangly and didn’t really fit with his limbs). It’s good for his ego but he feels like a total shit for how he’s treated her their whole lives, especially calling her a bitch in from of Raleigh. He’s angry because he could’ve had an amazing, loyal friend in her and he only sees that now and he wants to get close to her, because she’s _Mako_ and because maybe she can make him feel  like the person she seems to think he is: powerful, passionate, stubborn, unstoppable.

He’s barely seen Mako since Pitfall except for when they Drifted, he’s trying to make his body work and she’s trying to make the PPDC work, but Raleigh’s words ring in his head. _She needs a friend and only you can give that to her._ So he doesn’t think, just does what needs to be done. He knocks on her door one morning, after leaving Max with Herc, and drags her out to the streets of Hong Kong to explore a city that’s not on the verge of dying like they both deserve. They stop by every street vendor and gorge like they haven’t done since they were kids. They buy clothes because they look nice or stupid and laugh at each other’s choices. They go to night clubs and drink and dance till they feel sick. They even get tattoos; Mako of the initials of all three of her parents on her left wrist and Chuck of the Chinese character for _soldier_ on his right wrist (because when he feels like there’s nothing left for him without the war, he needs to reminds himself what he’s good for… and he can’t get a tattoo on his prosthetic limb for obvious reasons). When they get back to the Shatterdome at four in the morning, they feel like they’ve gotten back a little of the adolescence that they’d had to give up for the war. Chuck’s body is screaming at him and he hopes fervently that the tattoo won’t compromise his immune system but the way Mako smiles at _him,_ the way he’s only seen her do for Pentecost and Raleigh, a beaming grin that transforms her and reminds him of how _young_ they both are; he doesn’t regret a thing. They stick together after that, and Chuck relishes the feeling of having Mako as his friend again.

Months later, they’re trading stories about the academy when Chuck kisses her. There’s nothing really leading up to it, they’re just grinning at each other like children and Chuck feels like it’s natural to lean over and slant his lips over hers. She freezes and pushes him away. He falls back and curses himself but scrambles up so he can stop her from leaving.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, just wait!” He knows he’s just making things worse but he’s panicking and he can’t help it, he grabs her shirt and tugs her back.

“Chuck, get off me!” She yells, outraged.

“Please just listen to me!”

He makes himself let go. She turns around and they stare at each other for some time, panting, Chuck matches her glare with what he hopes is a look of pleading because he can’t lose her now.

“I saw your crush on me when we drifted – ”

“Do not mock me, Chuck,” she growls.

“I’m not, I promise!” There’s anger and distress etched into her every feature but she doesn’t move away so he continues tentatively, a first for him.

“Look, I didn’t like you when we were kids. Like, we never clicked and it was fucking painful to see the way Pentecost looked at you when all I did was fuck up in front of my old man, he didn’t even want me. But I always respected you, especially when you were kicking my ass at the academy.”

“Why are you –”

“And then I got to co-pilot with Herc and I saw how angry you were that you couldn’t get a Jaeger too and then you looked at Becket like you worshipped the ground he walked on and… fuck, Mako I’m trying to say I never had a chance to think of you that way!”

“Then why now?” God, she’s just as enthralling all vulnerable and unsure like this as she is when she’s fierce and determined and he’s reminded why he had so many wet dreams about her when he was younger and _fucking hell he needs to focus._

“We’re good friends now, yeah?” She almost imperceptibly nods. “And I think you’re fucking amazing and so strong and I want you like I’ve never wanted anyone.”

She still looks sceptical so moves closer and gently reaches out to touch her face. She flinches but doesn’t move when he strokes her cheekbone with his thumb.

“I’m a total fucking cunt,” he says softly, “and you deserve way better. But I’ll fucking work for you, okay? I’ll be good for you. So give us a shot, yeah?”

Mako blushes but turns her face and kisses his palm.

“I would like that, Chuck,” she whispers back.

He smiles and kisses her again. She doesn’t pull away this time.

 

Chuck likes to think the door opening and Max bounding into the room to slobber over Mako (because, dad, she’s so much _cooler_ than you,) and seeing Herc grinning at them from the door is Pentecost’s way of giving them his blessing.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ugh, this is terrible, im sorry if u stuck around till the end :P oh well, at least i had fun writing it,


End file.
